They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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