I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
