dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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