I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
