i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
