yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
