Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
