sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
A bitchslap is in order.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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