i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
