im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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