Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
