Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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