Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
