I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
