i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Randomize
