Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She's the barista slut.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
