they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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