I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
