I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
