Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
