Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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