Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
