im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
