yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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