i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
