we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
