weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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