I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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