I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I want her autograph on my taint
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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