I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
