I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize