If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize