i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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