the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
