Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
