dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
