party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
