my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
