went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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