My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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