everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
