Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He felt like a one man threesome
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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