Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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