I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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