I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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