dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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