I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
