I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
