Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
