she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
