my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
