If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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