Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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