I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize