Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
