ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
