I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize