Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
