I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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