I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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