does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
